It's been rough going

I got back from travelling and have thrown myself into work. Trouble is that I have no interest in work and I feel like I'm about to get fired. I know that is in my head, I am a critical, miserable taskmaster, and i never cut myself any slack. i feel as if i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, my facade is so cracked i can't even hide it at work any longer.

But i've hidden my head in the sand. "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow?" ...and tomorrow never comes.

I want friends and family to accept me as I am but I'm too afraid to show them.

I saw a movie about someone that checked themselves into a mental facility. It got me thinking.

Pot wins again... #420

After work I went for drinks with my sister/girlfriend... 1.5 cosmos is all it took for the sharing to begin. Too much sharing? Not sure, she was sharing too... Vodka sneaks up on you, we are warning each other of this, while we keep pounding it down. It was Glee, and work, and blunkins, I had just discovered the word and had to share it with her... Her daughter's musical ability, the tsunami, the local animal cruelty news, when I realized I loved her. I don't have a sister. And so, we thought, "make the most of this happy hour", and kept the drinks flowing. We keep talking about vodka and how it sneaks up on us, all the while sucking our martinis.... we talk relaxing, pot, her valium Rx, my valium script... how much my favorite vibrator cost... the feral staff at Condom Sense... fecal transplant-- would you do it? What if your life depended on it? I touch a patrons shirt, my face making a bold statement on the material... we notice rhinestones on both men's and women's jeans in the bar and ponder... Tapas of calamari, stuffed mushrooms, and prime ribeye sliders...local music is good, Dave Matthews, Blues Traveler and Van Morrison covers... I talk about M, my trip and ad man... I tell her about Hal. What am I doing, revealing so much?? She tells me about her neglectful mother. The same one that is my friend and her daughter's beloved Gramma. I explain about M, our bond, just a little... she tells me how she wasn't allowed to stay in her own home any time her mother was traveling. I talk about M being abandoned by her mother. We share, I tell her about Hal, details. I opened the vault tonite.

We loop around to pot... I ask her if she wants to goof around some more, she says yes, so I set up a meet and greet with my Volcano... we vape up a bag at 420 and head to the smoke shop. She'll back me up when I go to buy salvia.... a tobacco that's currently legal, but I'm too scared of the judgement in the head shop owner's eyes...he once actually talked me out of buying.

Two blocks from the store, and she gets sick. I feel awful. We turn around and drive to her house, and I head home and vape another bag.

Channeling my inner @joelmchale

My choices of Twitter topics include #TMI @RyanSeacrest "I just took a spoon and ate honey out of the jar...literally couldn't stop for 3 mins. What are you doing?" and Charlie Sheen on UStream talking about Trolls. Oh yeah, and something about Libya.

Finite ala @nevschulman

I am free!!!! 5 years, a tangled web, and a fantastic little movie called #Catfish, and the door is now sealed shut. I saw it in December during a serious depression, and it literally saved my life... but my partner in this, the one I was deceiving, was also addicted to the attention and game. IM's or a delicious email or video out of nowhere would knock me back into this beautiful fantasy world. He always had a carrot to lead me back, and I didn't have the will power to always resist. I am crazy in love with parts of this man... and I need my own escape from life.

But now he's seen it. The final email from him made that clear, and communication is now stopped. I've been free of it for almost a month, with no way back, as he is insisting on a video mail or chat with no exception. I am incredibly relieved. He literally said "I don't know who I'm even talking to", as if it only just occurred to him, and it probably did. Some of his phrasing made it clear he also saw Catfish, which made me oddly happy. Since I've been back from travels, I'm at peace, and trying to find healthier obsessions to occupy my time...

love, peace and 420....

~xoxo ChronicLady