Home again

I don't have much to say... I've returned home, I'm tired but the good kind... and I'm happy to be home. I believe some people have children for redemption... some out of kindness and love... some weapons or possessions. Some can't stand the loneliness, and others no longer want to be cast in the role of their family's Judas.

Love, peace and 420.

ChronicLady

Fail Whale

I was on Twitter and got dreaded #FailWhale. And I'm only on Twitter because I don't want to write. I don't know where to start or what to do. Oh, I have this gem... I've never rubbed one out to Jude Law; just not my type of man... but watched a movie starring Law and realized how much he looked like my ad man. Law's arms and abs made an otherwise awful movie fun for a girls nite, but I hadn't thought of my gorgeous ad man since I've been with family, its been great. Oh well, maybe somehow I can swing my desire to JL... hmmm

I said I would reveal all...

so here's my silly #dork side. @adamcarolla read what I said about The Hammer and replied! Supercool! And this little movie has gotten in my head... yesterday while driving a cop pulls out behind me, and I giggled like an idiot at the mere thought of going 37 on the freeway.... 2 days ago i'm making coffee, recall that scene and laugh. The Asbergers meets rainman style rant on the heavy bag and the bolts... And JANE LYNCH!! Such a disservice to rate it R, so many people were deprived of this sweet gem.

Amen sister

Female masturbation, name it and claim it!
escapades: ******COMPETITION!***********

Be easier if @joerogan would just share his recipes

My little 420 kush trip spun my head. First time travelling solo that I have actually lit Up inside a nonsmoking 4 star hotel... Lovely upscale place, booked full, and I hit my pipe in the shower with the water going and a wet towel under the door... Got a little paranoid after, what if some uptight square calls in downstairs, it was 1:30 am and I'm suddenly wide awake tweeting and webcamming...

Note to self*

Don't stress out about problems that aren't mine. Start with something easy, like some else's issue at work. Don't get outraged, don't even "feel" it. Why are you carrying someone else's baggage?

Flashback landmine

I wanted to start shaving… my mom furious, screaming and throwing a disposable 5 pack of my father's crappy razors after me into the bathroom. I don't know what I'm doing, she's yelling that i'm a bad girl, and i wet my legs and start shaving. I needed help and she was screaming at me… so I learned on my own and without creme or soap.

I remember that razor… it was cheap, and sharp, and I nicked myself a few times, once pretty deep. Running water over it, hypnotized, watching the blood wash away, and the white spot left behind. I remember that night in complete clarity for the first time ever, and blocking it out. Because no mother would treat her child like that.

Jesus Christ. What a landmine to go off in the middle of whatever this is.

Home is where you bleed...

I'm back home tonight… in a hotel, but home, in the city… mere miles from where i was brought by hal… add another thirty and i can show you where i was attacked...and i'm out of my mind.

I'm in a hotel, got high to try and relax, and being hit with a ton of memories and thoughts… ad man is in this city, too… to say i'm strung tight would be an understatement… everywhere i turn its sex, but its toxic.

To entertain my fantasies? A quiet night in the room, going through the beauty rituals… facial, mani, pedi, shaving and of course the bare vulva. While shaving my leg I slip, and a deep nick appears. I run water over it and watch as the spot turns white. I let it bleed, then do it again… and I look at the other spot... and in a split second flashback I remember.

Most of my adult life, I ponder

the tiny white dot on my leg… where i have no pigment and don't know why…. when i'm particularly tan, i look down at my legs, the only part of my body i really like, and think it my own exotic little beauty mark… always the pale shell color of my grandmother's beach house… a romantic little notion, did i always have it? or did it happen at the beach? some lovely memory to match the color...

Movie night

Watched @adamcarolla in The Hammer. Terrific, loved it. Such a funny, sweet and refreshing movie! Silly that the movie got an R rating... Big recommend!! Go buy it, rent it, sweet date movie. Wish I had more commentary, but it doesn't need it. What are you waiting for?

I forgot to mention

My brother loves me. He thinks I'm strong. And smart. He's always looked up to me. He believes that I am something false, a facade of happiness and success... I'm a liar. He uses me as an example of why our father is a worthy role model.

Saving C or sinking me?

I have a brother with a 2 year old daughter. Recently he told me our Dad was his role model.

This concerns me. I love my Dad. But he is no role model.

My brother spends his off hours on a barstool, trading the intimacy of his loving wife and baby girl for weaving narratives in which he is always the central figure of every story. He tells me our Dad is a great man. He then guns the truck through a red light and I tell him to pull the car over.

My brother also doesn't listen. He will find a way to make any story about himself. This isn't about him. Not yet.

My father was so amazing that when the school came to him and told him I had often been in the unsupervised company of a child molester with an underage prostitution and porn ring, he did and said nothing. When I asked him if he went to the meeting, he said yes.

That was it.

My niece deserves better than my brother gliding through life in his own drama and not seeing what is happening with her, around her. Of course the only way for me to do this is to tell him, and show him the proof. If I do that, he will bring it up to my Dad.

Family is a messy business. And am I doing this for the right reason? Does it matter?

Tonight, #TheHammer

Gonna #getiton and watch @adamcarolla in The Hammer... plan to heat up the volcano and vape a bag or two, check back for thoughts and reviews!

"Addiction" by @mmraw from Kayla, Kupono

Stunningly moving piece portraying addiction through dance.

#FF @mKiK808, amazing artist of dance

The images and beauty you create bring me such happiness. Glad you are blogging again, your soul shines beautifully through you. Thank you for being exactly who you are.

Two very different eves

Went for a drink after work with a gorgeous female friend of mine. Happy hour turned into 3.5 hours, and many drinks and dinner later I came home feeling emotionally heavier... I don't talk or open up when I drink, as I wish I would, so why bother with it? I was quickly reminded once I was home why I don't drink much... I felt terrible, had a headache, and spent the night having nightmares about bedbugs and larvae covering me, UGGGH.

Valentines Day was another story. Hubby did all sorts of wonderful things for me, and we went to dinner at one of our fave spots. I had no expectations for the evening, and it was a wonderful night. He seemed more vibrant and alive than I've seen him in months, and that really gave me hope. It wasn't about gifts, that wasn't part of our night; but for the first time in a long time he seemed more comfortable and able to deal with and within his limitations without the frustration that usually plagues him.

Missing my #Catfish and innocence...

High fading, but want to stay up and play... Thinking about his body, his ripped abs, his deliciously huge equipment... I'm really longing for physical pleasure, but all that gets me going is either ad man or the memories that haunt me... not the ones that happened, no; i'm adding onto them in my twisted black desire... i have dark fantasies that bring me to extreme release, and want me to engage in very dangerous behavior... my past has left me shattered, and i crave violent sex and humiliation. Should I be "normal"? Concentrate on a "normal" object of masturbation, on the surface, a gorgeous man, or the ugly past that demands my attention like a spoiled child? Drives me to destruction?

I only know that whatever I do, it will be "wrong". And judged, as everything in this life is.

Not an addict

Breathe it in and breathe it out
And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side

The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

Free me, leave me
Watch me as I'm going down
Free me, see me
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.

It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel...
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
I'm not an addict...

--K's Choice

He's online right now just waiting

and i am SO high and horny and I want to play, he's in my email, waiting all the IM's... baiting me, tempting me... my cynical side says he saw Catfish and is trying to play this around... but he sounds... really wanting? He has this woman idolizing him, and he really just needs to be worshipped a little right now...

or maybe he is trying to get his own ending... rewrite the story a little.... I don't know, and I'm going to stay strong and not find out.

I want a do over

Slept in this morning, days running together with the weather... got up around 12:30 and got blazed... stayed baked since. Took a shower, slipped on a babydoll and played Xbox 360. I could have what I want, right now if I give in, there is still time. But what I really want? To erase every trace of Ad Man out of my life and memory, and everything associated with him. In fact, how far back can I go?

Can I go back to when I was 15 and snuck out of my house to meet a "boyfriend" at 1:00am, only to find all his friends also waiting for their turn? Or further back, maybe Hal, go back to my first meeting with the limp wristed sweaty palmed brown polyester pant wearing child molester pimp... I know all of these things make you who you are, but I would give anything for another chance at the dice. Truth.

(Not) Seasonal Blues

I'm in a holding pattern. Its clear I need no further revelations right now, I have all the knowledge and understanding I need to make some decisions, but I'm stagnant, resistant to change. I passed on my trip, rescheduling in the knowledge that I would have weak moments and do something stupid... the weather has been very cooperative with airports shutting down all over, making it the easiest decision I ever made.

Time to start taking out the trash at home now, housecleaning. Problem is, I'm facing terrible depression with this weather, and this is the worst possible time for me to start bringing up issues front and center. Husband has a new venture which will cost us money and time, other side of family can't find work anywhere... My business closed for weather, and it will only be worse next week.

Its always something that keeps me from saying and doing what needs to be put out there.

Distracted from revelations...

Hubby vaping a bag, and I'm on bowl three of trainwreck, settled in to watch "Across The Universe" in front of a fire...

Husband in the shower

and work called off... just changed into my footie pjs and blazed a bowl of trainwreck... i've been high maybe five minutes and i've already lost my lighter. Sitting still. On my couch. Buckle up, going to bowl 2, looking for some revelations a la @joerogan style... I have my ticket and I'm validated, ready to be enlightened....

Trainwreck

So its snowtastrophy or something just as stupidly named, and i'm trapped in the heartland. Bottle of whiskey, some trainwreck and a lot of free time. Here we go......