Repairman

I need to get back to the use me story I was working on, and discuss date night, I feel like I'm avoiding that one... I'm getting close to a breakthrough on both, but something happened.

I had an emotional shutdown... I was present (front and center!), answering questions in a rehearsed way... like "no pain", "I'm ok", "I can live with it"... all things an abuse victim learns for survival. I had a PTSD moment, I panicked, maybe only someone who has experienced it would understand, I couldn't take it. This man was asking me questions to help me, and I was blowing them off like I was fine. But I wasn't fine, or I wouldn't be there... I wouldn't be in excruciating pain... someone like me needs the tests to verify what she hopes... that she is worth fixing. Hard data you can't argue with. This is broken, must be fixed.

(I'm doing free flow thinking here, I haven't had time to filter... but I feel the URGE to write about it.) I felt like I was retreating to a place where I couldn't be hurt... that's the only thing I can compare to. I was somewhat defenseless against this man, someone who would touch me, hurt me, then make a recommendation on whether to help repair me... I feel SO bad for this poor doctor.

I made the breakthrough discovery once before in therapy, that time a dentist appointment triggered it... but I didn't recognize the trigger to be able to take a preventative valium... i thought it was the dentist himself... hovering, leaning over me and causing me pain, with ice, then flicking his flint behind my head to heat up some torture device I couldn't even see... putting a hot poker on my tooth, I found that place, compartmentalized... feeling terrified, I hid away.

And now again... and I may have just fucked up.