I don't want to be right...

Ever do something right, that is unquestionably the right thing, and feel sick over it? Stomach butterflies or worse, palm sweating, panic attack, full on entirely wrong reaction?

My therapist explains this as the discomfort we feel when something isn't "normal" in our world... I'm pretty sure she didn't use the world "normal", but it was along the lines of doing something new that breaks the pattern that we are set in.

Children of chaos grow up to be people that live on stress and drama... a quiet home and drama free life is unfamiliar, and doesn't feel right... so we search out or create drama and stress to ease the uncomfortable feeling.

If you spend your life doing for others and never saying no, then when you start actually using boundaries, its uncomfortable. I remember when I started applying boundaries, and the surprise and frustration that they were received with. People may get offended. They might think you are being a bitch, difficult, and they will certainly try and change your mind... this is the challenge, where you will be tested thoroughly.

This is even more true when dealing with someone attune to taking advantage of you, a predator. Try telling them no, establishing limits, and they will try everything in their power to sway you. Cajoling, convincing, and if that doesn't work, they will use manipulation. This is where my resolve fails EVERY TIME.

Two days ago I said NO. I have stuck to this, and have been hit with everything from temptation to bribery, and now its escalated to blame and name calling. This is something I WANT to say yes to... Its destructive, delicious and will absolutely ruin my life as I know it. I want this like a junkie needs a fix, I am willing to give up everything for this, but I found the strength to say NO, and hold it for two days.

This latest batch of one way communication has me turned upside down, exactly where he wants me... needing to respond, to want to set things "right", be the mediator... he knows how I respond to the maze, and expects to get his way.

I cannot engage any further... Doing the correct thing has made me feel sick inside, uneasy, turned upside down. I can ease these feelings if I respond, say what I want to say, ease the tension and give in. Things can go back to "normal", at least for the immediate future, before my life caves in from the wrong action itself. So I can't respond, I have to resist any and all contact, and I have to embrace this horrible, sick feeling inside and convince myself its what "normal" should feel like.