Feelings on the Mo incident

He made me question myself, and I'm clearer now.

I didn't know who he was, this Malcolm (no last names, not looking for google juice). I was reviewing my various searches and saw the douche theme coming from him regarding the star of Catfish… read a few tweets and responded. I'm a twitter early adopter on my primary account, and I often have convos with people based solely on topic interest.

I responded on blog because 140 characters simply isn't enough. What ensued was unexpected, but triggered some anger in me that I had to identify. Once I was past the initial anger caused when Mo called me an attention whore thinking I knew who he was, I examined my own motivations.

Here's the thing… Catfish called me out as a predator. I didn't like that… in fact I was sick for days over it. I am a grown woman, and have to take responsibility for my own actions, but I'm created from pieces of my mother, Hal, and many others who abused me during childhood. That is not an excuse, simply a fact. I am also created from lessons learned, friends, and love of two wonderful grandparents, and I wouldn't be who I am without all of it.

One of the things ingrained in me from years of being used is a hatred for feeling clueless, stupid and used. Make me feel like a fool, and I'll come for you. I despise predators with a searing focus. I follow cases like Sarah Kruzan because I truly believe that while we are all responsible for our actions, we are formed into who we are in part at the hands of others… and what defines the moment when we transform from victim to perpetrator?

My initial answer was "when you start manipulating others". Seems simple. But the truth is, my friend was 12 when Hal had her recruit me, and I was 14 when we tried to recruit another girl…

I watched this movie and held a mirror up to my life. I carry the burden of my family, have chosen a hard path, and I can say that I picked my specific target/victim for a reason. Yeah, whatever… because at the end of the day, I'm still just a predator…. I have become what I hate.

I have tried to have this conversation with my therapist countless times and can't find the words… but I have moments of revelation I need to express, so I do it on blog…

But Mo misunderstands, and I get it… he thinks I'm "starstruck" because I received a singular response from someone and that I feel all super-glowy-special… the truth is, I was able to confess this thing, this disgusting part of my personality I hide and can't forgive myself for, to someone who has been the victim of the scam. As for the response? I was pretty sure 5 minutes after I received it that some loyal assistant probably responded, but it doesn't matter. Someone on the other end granted me forgiveness without judgement, and that is what I needed.

Mo does miss one point however... you are responsible for your actions in this life, and Angela's led to her being exposed...but I am convinced she was seeking her exposure and/or exit strategy.