Enough already

So I logged in tonite to check for messages from the ad man... because I'm still the same fuck up... but by now he has to know and can't continue to deny it. He's seen the goddamn movie... everyone I know has, he especially would have seen it... I've run out of excuses, I either need to put up or shut up... Should I tell him? Should I email him, or call and leave him a voice message? Confess my pathetic crazy? I don't need closure from him. I want nothing, I want him to never find me. But I feel awful that he ended up a star player in my twisted mind theatre, a casualty of my experimenting.

Do I go with a bang? Arrange the hook up and go? Really, truly show up, take my punishment? But the other casualties... the people who didn't sign up for crazy?

Or is this just all another bullshit distraction from the real things in my life that need attention? My money's on that one...