Destruction of a child, part one

My mother was very, very sick. She was mentally ill and was very abusive to her children. I am the only girl, and bore the brunt of her severe mood swings and blows. But more than the physical abuse was the mental manipulations and games she played with me... she was nasty and jealous when she lost my father's affection, and turned it on me. When I went to the state spelling bee, she not only didn't show, I was left to hitch a ride with a teacher home... I was 12. Talent show? She said to me "the show was such a screechy annoyance I left before you even performed"... when I was five she beat me over the head with a music box, then threatened me if I told my father... not with violence, but somehow convincing me he would leave us and that would be all my fault. She taught me to hate myself and be ashamed of my body, and at the time I didn't understand she was simply sick, and jealous of a youth and life she no longer had. There were several times I fantasized about killing her... nothing specific, just how much better life would be if she would drop dead. And then her drinking really started...

My father? He was wonderful too. The kindest way to put it is he was never home... he had "business trips" my entire life, missed any and every event possible, and I wondered more than once about a possible half-sibling. He allowed my mother her illness, never forcing treatment or meds despite her diagnosis, an active enabler. He wouldn't leave her, I wished for that, leave her and take the kids, but it was easier to make up lies and travel... he made it up to us in money... money was thrown at us, as was cars, etc. I used to think he was the most generous man I knew, now I understand its the only way he can express love, or guilt.

When I was 13 I was introduced into a child porn ring... my mother was too drunk to pay attention to what was going on, and my best friend showed up at our house with her 40+ "uncle" to go to the mall. "Uncle" was a cover, but I didn't know it either until I was out of the house... my friend, also utterly unsupervised, had altered her birth certificate to get a job at a crappy little fast food joint. This man was her manager, he found out her secret and was doing a little emotional blackmail, preying on her emotional fears and needs.

We were driven 2 hours from home as she explained her newfound freedom to me... hooking up with truckers and whomever else this man set her up with, including him. In exchange, she had an apartment and a cat of her "own" she could escape to any time (she was 12), and made a little cash. I listened as we drove further and further from home, me sitting in the front seat as (I'll call him) Hal began to run his hand up and down my thigh. I hated my life, and my parents literally had no idea where I was or what I was up to. I was queasy as this man put his hands on me, but intrigued by the idea of what sounded like a type of escape. I was repulsed, scared and turned on all at once when he made us flash truckers on the interstate, all while his hand was rubbing my ass and sliding into my shorts.

That's enough purging for one night... if I feel relief from this, I may continue this story at a later date...