Registered Sex Offenders list

Checked the list today... saw where Hal had to do his yearly verification very recently. So he's still alive, and still out of prison. I want to post it on my blog, a flashing hyperlink to the child molester that broke my life, and M's.

Morning Delight

So this morning I woke up and husband was up and out of bed... I lazed around, wishing I could get high, but instead grabbed my vibrator and had an AWESOME, sheet clawing, writhing multiple... For a few minutes, I was in heaven... happy, content, at peace and glowy. Warmth through my entire body. Finally, some release. And then I ponder who I was dreaming of....

Ever feel like this?

Ants in a death spiral, amazing

I don't want to be right...

Ever do something right, that is unquestionably the right thing, and feel sick over it? Stomach butterflies or worse, palm sweating, panic attack, full on entirely wrong reaction?

My therapist explains this as the discomfort we feel when something isn't "normal" in our world... I'm pretty sure she didn't use the world "normal", but it was along the lines of doing something new that breaks the pattern that we are set in.

Children of chaos grow up to be people that live on stress and drama... a quiet home and drama free life is unfamiliar, and doesn't feel right... so we search out or create drama and stress to ease the uncomfortable feeling.

If you spend your life doing for others and never saying no, then when you start actually using boundaries, its uncomfortable. I remember when I started applying boundaries, and the surprise and frustration that they were received with. People may get offended. They might think you are being a bitch, difficult, and they will certainly try and change your mind... this is the challenge, where you will be tested thoroughly.

This is even more true when dealing with someone attune to taking advantage of you, a predator. Try telling them no, establishing limits, and they will try everything in their power to sway you. Cajoling, convincing, and if that doesn't work, they will use manipulation. This is where my resolve fails EVERY TIME.

Two days ago I said NO. I have stuck to this, and have been hit with everything from temptation to bribery, and now its escalated to blame and name calling. This is something I WANT to say yes to... Its destructive, delicious and will absolutely ruin my life as I know it. I want this like a junkie needs a fix, I am willing to give up everything for this, but I found the strength to say NO, and hold it for two days.

This latest batch of one way communication has me turned upside down, exactly where he wants me... needing to respond, to want to set things "right", be the mediator... he knows how I respond to the maze, and expects to get his way.

I cannot engage any further... Doing the correct thing has made me feel sick inside, uneasy, turned upside down. I can ease these feelings if I respond, say what I want to say, ease the tension and give in. Things can go back to "normal", at least for the immediate future, before my life caves in from the wrong action itself. So I can't respond, I have to resist any and all contact, and I have to embrace this horrible, sick feeling inside and convince myself its what "normal" should feel like.

Self worth and sleep

Is your entire self worth predicated on what others think or feel of you? Mine is. I hate that about myself. And I dislike even more that I recognize it but seem to be able to do nothing about it.

I'm very capable, and its been proven over and over, yet I still require the approval of others, even in my professional setting. I've started over from complete scratch, leaving all I knew behind, and yet I still have these nagging doubts, that I am useless, or only as good as what someone thinks of me. I don't trust myself.

I haven't slept... I'm worried sick about this trip, and if I'm safe... I've been physically ill over it. Add that to the very real pressure I am taking at home, and being ready to talk openly about change with hubby but have an external hurdle that has to be tackled first.

I'm so tired I can't even keep my eyes open... because I let ad man get the better of me, take ahold and flip it, and he was in there all along, the predator I sought through this cycle I repeat. He's completely off the mark with his assessment, but the nasty reared his ugly head, thus confirming all the things I feel about myself.

Panic

I have to make a trip. I am falling apart, and I must take this trip, I can't figure out a way to cancel. It is work, has nothing to do with him, but will put me in dangerous proximity... if he so much as sees me or hears the real me is in town, it will trigger. if he hears my voice, he will know. But its not just the city, its event coverage, and fear is washing over me, for the first time in my life I feel claustrophobic. Not for the first time, I am feeling exposed and terrified.

Today's feeling

Is best summed up with this clip...

When love isn't enough

Not sleeping well despite exhaustion... I am carrying a family of 4 on my shoulders alone, with no end in site. When did it become ok to use me? Despite conversation with spouse things aren't changing.

I admitted to him yesterday how badly my depression had taken hold, and that I was suicidal. I told him things must change. I'm certain though nothing will unless I force a hand.

Do you know how much it hurts to watch the people who say they love you watch you struggle and suffer and do nothing to assist outside of adjusting the bridle?

I talked to my girlfriends about what it takes to leave... my own experience says "another man", and that doesn't seem healthy. In every case for all of them, the answer is the same. Ultimately, another relationship has been required in every scenario we discussed. These women, strong in other areas of life, all needed the crutch, final push of another man to leave.

That's terrifying. Why don't these people love me enough to change?

I've come too far

I can't do this, get caught up in him again, I've done so well steering clear, not responding... I know he'll be a stone's throw from where I will be staying in two weeks, 15 minutes away... This is the worst possible thing that could happen... where do you pull strength from when you're an atheist?

Orgasms and guilt

#Catfish killed my sex drive. Literally the one and only orgasm I have had since seeing that movie was one based on memories of my own personal child abuse. How fucked up is that?

And this week, its back, because "ad man" is back. The one person in this world that makes me horny, has put fresh new ideas in my head. Just when I thought we had covered it all in 5 years, he's unearthed startlingly new sexy ideas... There's yet another email, and I feel like I'm being grabbed by the throat...

I can't respond... and I can't even masturbate, that will simply make the problem worse...

Feelings on the Mo incident

He made me question myself, and I'm clearer now.

I didn't know who he was, this Malcolm (no last names, not looking for google juice). I was reviewing my various searches and saw the douche theme coming from him regarding the star of Catfish… read a few tweets and responded. I'm a twitter early adopter on my primary account, and I often have convos with people based solely on topic interest.

I responded on blog because 140 characters simply isn't enough. What ensued was unexpected, but triggered some anger in me that I had to identify. Once I was past the initial anger caused when Mo called me an attention whore thinking I knew who he was, I examined my own motivations.

Here's the thing… Catfish called me out as a predator. I didn't like that… in fact I was sick for days over it. I am a grown woman, and have to take responsibility for my own actions, but I'm created from pieces of my mother, Hal, and many others who abused me during childhood. That is not an excuse, simply a fact. I am also created from lessons learned, friends, and love of two wonderful grandparents, and I wouldn't be who I am without all of it.

One of the things ingrained in me from years of being used is a hatred for feeling clueless, stupid and used. Make me feel like a fool, and I'll come for you. I despise predators with a searing focus. I follow cases like Sarah Kruzan because I truly believe that while we are all responsible for our actions, we are formed into who we are in part at the hands of others… and what defines the moment when we transform from victim to perpetrator?

My initial answer was "when you start manipulating others". Seems simple. But the truth is, my friend was 12 when Hal had her recruit me, and I was 14 when we tried to recruit another girl…

I watched this movie and held a mirror up to my life. I carry the burden of my family, have chosen a hard path, and I can say that I picked my specific target/victim for a reason. Yeah, whatever… because at the end of the day, I'm still just a predator…. I have become what I hate.

I have tried to have this conversation with my therapist countless times and can't find the words… but I have moments of revelation I need to express, so I do it on blog…

But Mo misunderstands, and I get it… he thinks I'm "starstruck" because I received a singular response from someone and that I feel all super-glowy-special… the truth is, I was able to confess this thing, this disgusting part of my personality I hide and can't forgive myself for, to someone who has been the victim of the scam. As for the response? I was pretty sure 5 minutes after I received it that some loyal assistant probably responded, but it doesn't matter. Someone on the other end granted me forgiveness without judgement, and that is what I needed.

Mo does miss one point however... you are responsible for your actions in this life, and Angela's led to her being exposed...but I am convinced she was seeking her exposure and/or exit strategy.

Turning up the heat

I got an email from ad man today, suggesting a number of ways to kill time... it has me by the throat demanding my attention, a response... help

Having a setback

Talking to him... there's contact again... I don't want to admit it, but I promised to confess all. I'm having a hard time right now, family pressure, so much to look after, crumbling around me, I'm collapsing under the weight of it all. My latest escape was movies, some nice kush and whatever looked interesting, but he's my drug, my heroin, and he's handing out samples... and my world is upside down right now with the memories rising, swirling demanding my attention.

I'm going to be in town when he is... I can reveal myself, which I think is a terrible idea, or I can preemptively admit to being a catfish. Or I can be strong, not engage in this game any longer... but soon, within driving distance of each other again, and I must have a plan.

Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...

And you may find yourself in another part of the world

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful Wife
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...

Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...

If Your Life Had A Face, I'd Punch It

I love this line... if only it were that simple, to express the sheer frustration of being trapped... to let off steam... if life were witty one-liners and repartee...

Dogs can't look up

Staying home today and having an Edgar Wright double feature! New Bev triple bill got me thinking about it, and how much fun those events must be. So, enough of the "wish I was there" crap, and on to my own screenings for fam and friends! Starting with the beloved Sean of the Dead, then Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. I don't have a list of top 10 movies for the decade (2000-2010), but these two would make it....

No time today for spooky doings, but I just re-watched that last week...

Note to self: Update my "TOP" lists and post

Note you YOU: If you haven't seen these flicks, you are missing out. And if you toke and haven't seen them, you're insane. Go... now, what are you waiting for??

WOW, I am still stunned...

...by the hate last nite re: @nevschulman #catfish coming from Malcolm Ingram. He is, as he admits, an "opinionated jackass", which is fine. But insinuating I'm some type of attention whore by responding to a tweet of his to point out the other side and motivations involved, that was revelatory... and not in a look in the mirror way... In a "who the fuck are you?" and "why would I care", make-me-look-you-up on the internet way... and HOLY SHIT you are part of the View Askew family, an actual authority...

I didn't wish to argue, but to share my experience... he isn't receptive, not a problem... and I would have left it there... but to assume I had a clue who he was? THERE'S your #douche.

Jump around

Must make time to listen to @ThatKevinSmith Plus One Smodcast #7 today, its on ipod but haven't reached it yet, but skip ahead I must... Still reeling from last nite's twitter exchange, curious to see where Kevin and Jen land on the issue of art and storytelling vs exploitation and Catfish... Malcolm Ingram is... WOW, what do I even say? I didn't know who you were, and while it doesn't change my opinion in any way, it makes your "attention glass" comment really funny... Thanks!

Dream thoughts...

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,

They slither while they pass they slip away across the universe

Too high for twitter?

I'm a fuckwad. @MalcolmIngram is Malcolm Ingram... as in View Askew, and SModcasts, and many things I hold dear. Holy shit, how did I miss that? But he was demeaning and insulting when I tried to engage him in a discussion, as if I can't possibly understand art. Wasn't so bad when I thought he was just another #douche...

MSG to @MalcolmIngram etal

I saw #Catfish with @Nevschulman and I was floored... I am a damaged and broken woman, a catfish for about five years now... I know what I am doing is wrong, twisted, sad, pathetic, etc., and carry truckloads of guilt for it.

After watching the movie I was shaken to my core. It was Dec 23, and I completely fell apart. I cried for two days straight, and I finally emailed Yaniv thanking them all for the film. I was honest, disclosing that I was the "Angela" in my situation, and told him the movie would change my life. What I did not share was the meaning of that statement... I was still working that out, as for weeks I had planned to check out with a bottle of Valium following Christmas.

The last thing I expected was a response... I just wanted to admit this huge THING to someone that had experienced it (and would have *every right* to be angry about it). But I got one... on Christmas Day, within an hour. It was kind and generous, and washed over me like a wave of forgiveness, as if I could let go of my guilt. Tears literally streamed down my face as I read it.

I'm not here to argue about this film, only to share a perspective from someone as damaged as Angela... I don't know her, or if she has realized her dream through this vehicle in her own way, but I know she stays very busy now with her art. I caught her 20/20 interview, and after watching am absolutely sure of one thing: she is much smarter than anyone realizes, and used them as much as you believe they used her. There of those of us that cannot for whatever reason play the game, but excel at controlling it. I believe we are those people.

As for Nev Schulman? He challenged me by asking "how", and literally saved my life. On Christmas no less. Do I worship him? Nope... but that's still a world apart from #douche, and I would ask you to consider all angles.

Last night...

Was a great night of peace for me. Smoked, laughed harder than I have in a LONG time, and then slept like a baby. Thought about nothing but was simply in the moment, something I'm not usually capable of. I thought about blogging but stayed in the moment, savoring...

The feeling carried over this morning, awoke rested and happy, no headache, ready to face he world and not hating life... wishing the same for all of you.

Breathe

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

So now its pulled down

I see where my blog has been removed, but the others remain as they were. Manually updated in response. Check or checkmate? I'm very impressed..

Help, who is www.movie-ozone.com

One of my referral links comes from www.movie-ozone.com, and a quick search for movie-ozone.com reveals two interesting things... the domain was created only two days ago, and there is a bizarre need for privacy on the part of the registrar... So why am I being reverse fished? Email me with thoughts...

Registration Service Provided By: ARVIXE

Contact: +1.7073045520

Domain Name: MOVIE-OZONE.COM

Registrant:

PrivacyProtect.org

Domain Admin (contact@privacyprotect.org)

BPM 90035, 34, Parc d'Activite Syrdall

Note - All Postal Mails Rejected, visit Privacyprotect.org

Munsbach

null,L-5365

LU

Tel. +45.36946676

Creation Date: 13-Jan-2011

Expiration Date: 13-Jan-2012

Domain servers in listed order:

ns1.foxglove.arvixe.com

ns2.foxglove.arvixe.com

Administrative Contact:

PrivacyProtect.org

Domain Admin (contact@privacyprotect.org)

BPM 90035, 34, Parc d'Activite Syrdall

Note - All Postal Mails Rejected, visit Privacyprotect.org

Munsbach

null,L-5365

LU

Tel. +45.36946676

Technical Contact:

PrivacyProtect.org

Domain Admin (contact@privacyprotect.org)

BPM 90035, 34, Parc d'Activite Syrdall

Note - All Postal Mails Rejected, visit Privacyprotect.org

Munsbach

null,L-5365

LU

Tel. +45.36946676

Billing Contact:

PrivacyProtect.org

Domain Admin (contact@privacyprotect.org)

BPM 90035, 34, Parc d'Activite Syrdall

Note - All Postal Mails Rejected, visit Privacyprotect.org

Munsbach

null,L-5365

LU

Tel. +45.36946676

Enough already

So I logged in tonite to check for messages from the ad man... because I'm still the same fuck up... but by now he has to know and can't continue to deny it. He's seen the goddamn movie... everyone I know has, he especially would have seen it... I've run out of excuses, I either need to put up or shut up... Should I tell him? Should I email him, or call and leave him a voice message? Confess my pathetic crazy? I don't need closure from him. I want nothing, I want him to never find me. But I feel awful that he ended up a star player in my twisted mind theatre, a casualty of my experimenting.

Do I go with a bang? Arrange the hook up and go? Really, truly show up, take my punishment? But the other casualties... the people who didn't sign up for crazy?

Or is this just all another bullshit distraction from the real things in my life that need attention? My money's on that one...

Repairman

I need to get back to the use me story I was working on, and discuss date night, I feel like I'm avoiding that one... I'm getting close to a breakthrough on both, but something happened.

I had an emotional shutdown... I was present (front and center!), answering questions in a rehearsed way... like "no pain", "I'm ok", "I can live with it"... all things an abuse victim learns for survival. I had a PTSD moment, I panicked, maybe only someone who has experienced it would understand, I couldn't take it. This man was asking me questions to help me, and I was blowing them off like I was fine. But I wasn't fine, or I wouldn't be there... I wouldn't be in excruciating pain... someone like me needs the tests to verify what she hopes... that she is worth fixing. Hard data you can't argue with. This is broken, must be fixed.

(I'm doing free flow thinking here, I haven't had time to filter... but I feel the URGE to write about it.) I felt like I was retreating to a place where I couldn't be hurt... that's the only thing I can compare to. I was somewhat defenseless against this man, someone who would touch me, hurt me, then make a recommendation on whether to help repair me... I feel SO bad for this poor doctor.

I made the breakthrough discovery once before in therapy, that time a dentist appointment triggered it... but I didn't recognize the trigger to be able to take a preventative valium... i thought it was the dentist himself... hovering, leaning over me and causing me pain, with ice, then flicking his flint behind my head to heat up some torture device I couldn't even see... putting a hot poker on my tooth, I found that place, compartmentalized... feeling terrified, I hid away.

And now again... and I may have just fucked up.

All types of Pink...

When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

This child is grown

The dream is gone

I.... Have become

Comfortably numb

A blessing

I'm turning a corner, I can feel it. I spent years locking away my thoughts and feelings or going to therapy, thinking I was making progress... and to some degree I was, but as much as I adore my therapist, I can never trust anyone fully... I wasn't quite ready to tackle some of these issues eye to eye. Even my cyber fraud, my Catfish game, when I revealed this to my therapist, I wore my sunglasses and cried through the entire session.

And I tried the blog once before too.. it didn't help... it all felt indulgent and piteous, so I abandoned it... and at my lowest point in my life, when I was planning to check out, I saw a movie that struck a chord so deep inside me that it facilitated the exchange that saved my life. Thank you, you know who you are.

And I remembered this blog... and I came back to it, not exactly sure what I was going to do with it, continue my story? Delete it? And somewhere in there, I began spilling... things started to come out of me that I needed to ponder, let go of, or simply say out loud. While I had realized I wasn't alone, I also decided, what if I was? If empty headed drug addled celebs can spend their time tweeting and blogging about fashion, music, and navel gazing, then why shouldn't I use this medium to try and purge and heal? A place where I share it all, examine it all, and reflect. If others read it and contribute or feel not so alone, cool. If not, I finally feel as if it doesn't matter, because its helping me.

My besty and her pimp

During this time my best friend and her "uncle" were still around, calling me on the phone and giving graphic details of what they were doing on the weekends. Usually she was at "her" apartment, and she was never alone. I was lucky though, since it was more than an hour to my house from hers, this developed slowly... at least for me, though not so much for her. And I carry guilt for that as well, because I never breathed a word about what Hal did with us, or what I knew she was doing with him. No one at my house was sober or around to even listen.

"Use me" footnotes

What I didn't realize at the time was that Charlie was talking... about me in some way. Either he was spreading lies that he got some, or they were playing competitive pop the virgin. Or maybe, possibly, he actually liked me and was taking shit for it. (Even as I type that last one I don't believe it, my hate for myself runs so deep).

I only realize this now, which is why I stepped away from the story for a respite. I realized when I typed the lines... I wasn't safe. I was a young girl, swept away by an older guy who at worst let his friends have at me and in the best circumstance I was an object to be manipulated and used for his amusement. Was I the joke? But he kept reappearing. I missed him, wanted to talk to him, and I think he sensed I was broken. When I would drift away or get down, he would show up with a gold bracelet or something, out of nowhere. I'll never forget that day... months of no word, and one day he came over and gave me a 14k gold chain bracelet, thin and delicate... My mother looked at it and said "You know that means nothing, right? So-and-so's Jewelry is giving those away free for signing up for credit!"

That was the day my mother scored her first triple crit combo, but that's a body count for another day.

"Use Me, Part 1"

I have a sign over my head that apparently strobes "Use Me" in 72 point font. Its the only logical answer I have for the number of times I get chosen.

Of course I know that isn't it... its the inability to say no, and others willingness to take advantage of it.

When I was 14, I met a man that was 19 that I fell hard for. He wasn't a saint, he was looking for a younger piece of ass with his friends the night I met him. My friends and I looked every bit of 16 or 17... but I was lucky; he was a good, kind man and while we kissed and I fell head over heels, that's as far as it went physically. I've mentioned him by initial "C" before, and I'll call him Charlie.

I was very lucky for his friendship. My crush was safe in his hands, and while I am certain I made his life difficult as I wanted him very much, he was restrained and didn't take advantage of me. Not having a father ever around, I used Charlie to test limits and push boundaries, and while he was clearly aroused when I tormented him, he quickly shut me down. Despite my pain from the rejection at the time, this is a relationship and series of interactions that was good for me, and I learned from. As time went on, we continued to have a friendship, and I am the richer for it.

His friends were another matter... as they were on an underage pussy patrol, they were all too eager to take advantage of my availability... I was a foolish girl, and blinded by my crush, met with his friends without him. One of them waited for me outside of junior high, telling me he wanted to talk to me about "C", and he would take me home. I jumped in his truck, and off we went... about 2 miles out into nowhere country, while he put his hands all over me and tried to force himself on me. The word NO didn't work... but something did... because right before forcing himself on me, he just stopped. He was on top of me, one hand in my bra and another under my skirt trying to force down my panties. I remember his face in mine, the disgusting breath and his gross lips and tongue as I turned my head away from his. But he stopped, he got off of me, started the truck up and dumped me by the side of the road. I walked home, and didn't tell anyone about it for years. I was embarrassed and ashamed, felt as if I brought it on myself.

Another of his friends asked me out on a date. We went for a movie and ice cream, and afterward parked behind an abandoned building while forcing me to give him head in exchange for a ride home. He was my first oral sex. I told him I didn't want to, didn't know how, wasn't comfortable, but it didn't fly, and afterward he dropped me in front of my house. I didn't tell anyone about the way this went down, as I knew it would be he said/she said, and I felt such a fool.

Date Night

Husband and I went out with friends last nite, dinner and a show. So why did I come home feeling worse than ever? I caught myself logging into messenger to look for Him. Didn't send any messages, just logged out and tried to put off pondering my marriage.

140 characters and social responsibility

You know that filter that you use before you open your mouth? Try using it before tweeting.

Strong, beautiful broken women

Interesting look at strong, beautiful broken women in entertainment.

And the main event

Back to our A storyline... ad man was asking for pictures, video, a meeting, we were phoning and texting/sexting... he shared a few things here and there about his life, and there were momentary connections of common interest and sparks that confused the hell out of everything.

I spent most of my time when not teasing or relieving him, telling him how sexy he was, how athletic and strong, talented and smart.. he was very good at his job, and i told him how much his success turned me on... i meant every word, and he could hear it in my voice... i knew that by being honest about my feelings, i could have a piece of him, if only a tiny piece.

The pushing for video and weekend or same city hookup made me Google him, and when I did, I found the listing that mentioned his wife. This was my out, and I calculated it. But I hurt. That was unexpected... despite the fact i knew there was a possibility he was married and had lied, i felt punched in the gut, wind knocked out of me, couldn't breathe. i texted him and asked for a phone call, one which he deftly avoided as it was mid-day and the best he could do was messenger.

When confronted, he was completely unapologetic for all of the lies... how ironic that i cared, when i was the biggest phony of all. But he had revealed a few things to me, in what seemed like confidence... that he could lie to me so smoothly about being married again and again when i was so clear about it being important... i was stabbed by the coldness and neatness of it all, the execution. But my intention was to end it, and i did... told him he stepped on my heart, that i couldn't breathe or think, and that was that... or so i thought.

But i couldn't let it lie. Because he had turned it on me... he showed himself to be trickier and more ruthless than i, treated me as disposable. My little world i had created had bitten me, and it was then i decided to make him at the very least apologize, although i think "pay for the sins of the others before him" is a more honest view as i look back. i told myself this man was fair game for targeting now that he's a cheater. The actual game was just beginning, and i had no idea how far down the rabbit hole i would eventually fall...

Honesty causes a panic attack

I'm examining my motivations for posting those emails... And why I feel a terrible urge to pull them down? Which is right? Was it crossing a line, feels too raw and exposes me, do I want him to find this? I will swear on a stack the answer is NO, so what is the compulsion?

Closing shared wounds

All this time I've been shouldering survivor's guilt and "should have protected" remorse for her, allowing her to get away with anything because of it. But SHE brought this man, this sex offender, into my home... I didn't know he wasn't her uncle until we were at least 5 minutes away by car. She actively recruited me in her game, so why is it I feel guilt and blame?

She was younger than I, and not to blame either... but maybe I have to cut myself some slack every once in a while... and just tell her how I feel, get closure. I never realized I was angry with her for what she brought into my life.

Can I do that? Should I do that, is it right to open shared wounds for my own closure? Seems like hitting below the belt...

Destruction of a child, part one

My mother was very, very sick. She was mentally ill and was very abusive to her children. I am the only girl, and bore the brunt of her severe mood swings and blows. But more than the physical abuse was the mental manipulations and games she played with me... she was nasty and jealous when she lost my father's affection, and turned it on me. When I went to the state spelling bee, she not only didn't show, I was left to hitch a ride with a teacher home... I was 12. Talent show? She said to me "the show was such a screechy annoyance I left before you even performed"... when I was five she beat me over the head with a music box, then threatened me if I told my father... not with violence, but somehow convincing me he would leave us and that would be all my fault. She taught me to hate myself and be ashamed of my body, and at the time I didn't understand she was simply sick, and jealous of a youth and life she no longer had. There were several times I fantasized about killing her... nothing specific, just how much better life would be if she would drop dead. And then her drinking really started...

My father? He was wonderful too. The kindest way to put it is he was never home... he had "business trips" my entire life, missed any and every event possible, and I wondered more than once about a possible half-sibling. He allowed my mother her illness, never forcing treatment or meds despite her diagnosis, an active enabler. He wouldn't leave her, I wished for that, leave her and take the kids, but it was easier to make up lies and travel... he made it up to us in money... money was thrown at us, as was cars, etc. I used to think he was the most generous man I knew, now I understand its the only way he can express love, or guilt.

When I was 13 I was introduced into a child porn ring... my mother was too drunk to pay attention to what was going on, and my best friend showed up at our house with her 40+ "uncle" to go to the mall. "Uncle" was a cover, but I didn't know it either until I was out of the house... my friend, also utterly unsupervised, had altered her birth certificate to get a job at a crappy little fast food joint. This man was her manager, he found out her secret and was doing a little emotional blackmail, preying on her emotional fears and needs.

We were driven 2 hours from home as she explained her newfound freedom to me... hooking up with truckers and whomever else this man set her up with, including him. In exchange, she had an apartment and a cat of her "own" she could escape to any time (she was 12), and made a little cash. I listened as we drove further and further from home, me sitting in the front seat as (I'll call him) Hal began to run his hand up and down my thigh. I hated my life, and my parents literally had no idea where I was or what I was up to. I was queasy as this man put his hands on me, but intrigued by the idea of what sounded like a type of escape. I was repulsed, scared and turned on all at once when he made us flash truckers on the interstate, all while his hand was rubbing my ass and sliding into my shorts.

That's enough purging for one night... if I feel relief from this, I may continue this story at a later date...

Cracks in my mask

On the way to work, heard U2's Beautiful Day followed by Rob Thomas's Mockingbird. Broad daylight, driving in traffic, tears start streaming down my face. My life can't change fast enough for me...

Returning to our #catfish story

That email had me. I was a spider caught in my own web, enjoying the warm and safe feeling of being tangled up... bargaining: just another day then I will stop... rationalizing: its just a step away from reality, he understands this... and for only the second time in my life, feeling and exploring my sexuality.

At the time, my husband's involvement in his own project and his intern was taking a toll on me and I didn't realize it... the exotic beauty was busy manipulating my husband, and I think a part of me accepted the trade. It did after all keep him occupied, and that allowed me time to enjoy my game.

It was around this time I got the phone... time is accelerated on the internet, and I could only put my greek god off for so long before I had to give him a number. And once I got the phone, we began trading phone calls, steamy voicemail teases and sexting whenever possible, there was no turning back. I was in too deep, I was completely addicted and he was my drug, and I often told him this. We talked... we discussed real life issues and interests from time to time, which of course sunk us deeper...

During this time, he pressed non-stop for video, more pictures, talked about a face to face meeting... I explained my cell didn't have a camera (back in 2006 that wasn't that unusual), but the video was harder. I didn't have a webcam, that I could explain in the short term, but then was the pressing for sending him a video through the mail. I was also spending countless hours finding pictures of this person I was using as my online self... the woman I had selected had a number of pics of herself, but I exhausted them all... and my friend wanted revealing images, so I spent my time searching through her friends myspace pages, cropping pictures, and searching through flickr for anything that would pass.

I needed time, and a google search of his name provided me the perfect way to buy it... because what turned up was his ad for his house he was selling, with a personalized description written in his own words... starter home for himself and the wife...

The slightest temptation

Checked my messenger, and there was another note... he wants me to come to his city for a few days... or travel with him on business... spend a few days melting into each other... and while its a beautiful fantasy, he's married, i'm married, and while i'm not what he thinks, i've become his dreamgirl, i'm a catfish... its so easy to be the perfect soulmate or the single object of desire for someone online. my heart would break if this person had any decency at all, even so the weight of my own guilt crushes me.

i will not answer this message. i won't think about him again tonite. my sex drive is dead, has been since that damn movie... one phone call and all that could be "repaired"... but i WILL NOT respond.

i will take a valium and try to sleep... if that doesn't work, another one...

Daughters

I am really feeling this right now... but I would like to call particular attention to this line:

"So mothers, be good to your daughters, too"

I think we seriously underestimate the damage a mother can do to a daughter, and will be pondering this over the next few days.

I know a girl,
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left, cleaning up the mess he made

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guard and the weight of her world
(John Mayer)

WTF is wrong with me?

After a year or so of silence here, I'm back... I'm hellbent on self-destruction. That's the only answer I have for digging through the past and dredging it up again... Seasonal stress has my mind twisted up, what am I searching for? Damn that f'ing movie...

Here, Kitty Kitty....

And his response?

Your writing is absolutely delish. you manage to put into words the exact energy between us...and trust me you are not the only one feeling flustered, feeling intoxicated with desire....

As for the roller coaster, anyone is welcome to get off when they choose, but rides like this only get better once you get over the first hill...from there you get to enjoy all the tension, enjoy all the desire, enjoy the long, painstaking anticipation filled by the act of climbing that hill...its the plummet into the first hill that takes our breath away like a first kiss, like the first time we learned about our sexuality and we knew there was something about the action that drove us both wild....

For me this unfamiliar confidence you exude, this unfamiliar sexual aggressiveness, it takes me back to grade school...sweating palms, nervous notes between class, a fumbling education into the newness of sex...and though I feel we both have got a fair share of experience in what we like, the newness here is our chemistry, an excitement that is unmatched in thousands of eye contacts in bars, unmatched in dozens upon dozens of blind dates, unmatched in that we both want to hold control so greatly when in reality we both are on this ride, neither driving, neither riding, but two people enjoying...sharing...an outlet into a fantasy world that we both can use, that we both certainly enjoy, but definately not an outlet that is meant to cause stress or harm to our worlds which we both seem to have an incredible grasp on...

I know all about control, and trust me, I love to be in it (well not always in the bedroom, but thats another story) I am not trying to strip you of your control, not trying to add chaos to your otherwise wonderful sounding life, I am simply enjoying a wonderful moment of fantasy with an incredibly beautiful, incredibly sexy, and incredibly sensual young lady....one that makes me throb when i think of her, one that makes me explode harder to my own touch than I often do to the touch of others...

So this long email is trying to say...don't fear the loss of control, you do hold all of it, in fact you probably hold more than you know...you are in control of when we talk (and trust me I check my email throughout the day), you control if/when we would ever see ourselves face to face or talk on the phone, and you definately control whether you want more pics of me....pics of me thinking of you, pics of me you can enjoy while you are thinking of me....and i took some for you last night....

and though i usually end all my emails with my imagination running wild...I will tell you of a vision of equally intense sensuality....you and I sitting across a bar table, fully clothed, not groping all over one another, but simply soaking it in, soaking in your eyes, your shy but ultimately agreesive smile, your beauty...hearing your words as you tell me what makes your life so happy and knowing that if even for one night in Atlanta or for a hundred nights through email we both share in some fun, an erotic extension of reality, extensions of both of our happiness... no one is trying to replace or displace our current lives, I hope my words did not create a fear of intensity...you and I are both cut from the same cloths, an inner sexuality is wonderful, one that we both enjoy exploring and both seem to understand...no loss of control, no loss of life as we know it, simply a step away from reality for a few moments...I would very much like those moments to continue...

Ad Man

ps - i already had some "new" pics to send you from last night, but i will hold off if you really want me too...i also have some wonderful home videos i like to share...... I am hosting a party on (date omitted)...I will be bored to death for the few days leading up to it...ever been to (location omitted)...;-)

Head underwater

Within a few days of initial contact, I realized I couldn't keep up... I was out of my element. Our first email exchanges were intoxicating, and I quickly realized I had stepped into quicksand. After a long weekend of "traveling", my alter was due home in a day or so, and would quickly find herself needing to create new excuses and lies. So I attempted to end the game, but only half-heartedly. And I was always honest about my feelings... My email below, names are changed to protect the guilty.

I was supposed to take a day or so to think about this, and i did. i discussed it with my closest friend, who knows me inside and out. My life is finely tuned, like a machine, everything in it's place ;-). i don't expect to manage things outside of my bubble, but All Things Sally are in my control. I usually eat men for breakfast, but with you i miscalculated, because you aren't one of these types. At first i thought it was just the internet, making me lose my game, or somehow

evening out the playing field..but you are a strong, dominant personality, and it comes through in all you say and do.

What are the odds i would find the rare man unintentionally hellbent on rocking my world, someone that challenges me when all i wanted was to rock his for a little while?

You drive me to distraction, its heady and intoxicating the way you push my buttons, but it's also unfamiliar territory, an out of control feeling, like everything is tilted... and no matter how hot it is, how good you are at it, how much you look like a greek god, at the end of the day i don't like feeling out of control, its like a flashing danger sign... Call it OCD, whatever, but i can't do it.

So i guess what i'm saying is this-- i want you too much, it isn't going to work, the ride is too intense, i need off the roller coaster.

sally