2:50 am and tormented

Lonely night... hubby here but still feel alone and as if i'm choking. Told husband that things have to change, i can't do this anymore, how tired i am. Had some chronic and settled in for an evening of watching movies... distraction from the holiday blues... but i still got restless and logged into my messenger, and there was an offline message waiting for me. From the ad man... have watched Catfish now 5 times to keep from contacting him, kill the urge... but its 3 am and its so hard, i have emotions and thoughts that need to be expressed, he wants to hear them, he is begging me... he baits me, knowing the words to spin, to turn the game around again and again... please let me find the strength.

Today's vibe

Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

-Come Undone, Duran Duran

Deconstructing Sally...

What happens when we are taught very young to adjust and modify our world for those around us? From the very time we are capable of understanding, we are conditioned. If you are hit often enough, you learn to stop crying. If you have an ill and violent parent, you might hide in the closet and create imaginary friends, learning that your own needs are to be suppressed. When you can do nothing correctly, you learn to walk on eggshells, barely breathing... no ripples in the water, creating no disturbances. You learn that who you are, want and will become doesn't matter... all that matters is keeping the peace, going with the flow...

This is the most destructive thing I believe a child can learn. It is the very foundation for why I lead at minimum two lives on a regular basis. My day to day life, a successful professional one, wherein I am the sole breadwinner and a logical problem solver in a majorly male dominated industry, and other(s) made up of all the fragments of myself that I can't express. I am not mentally ill; I have sought counseling and treatment, and while I suffer from diagnosed chronic depression and PTSD, do not have a mental disorder. These are not "multiple personalities" in any medical sense, but instead carefully constructed "other selves", where specific desires, wants and pieces of me are revealed.

Now there are times where this is necessary as an adult for survival... take as example a "work" persona and a "personal" persona. In a perfect world, it wouldn't matter what my husband does for a living, or if I believe in God, or 100 other things... but in the Bible belt, in tight communities, it may mean business success or failure. So in some small way, this is not only accepted but expected.

But what kind of damage has to be done to someone to feel so uncomfortable in their own skin that they can't look themselves in the mirror? Can't make eye contact with someone who says they love them utterly and truly and express the simplest needs?

My greek god

The first week was full of email and instant messages. Continuous requests for fun and sexy pics, trying to turn each other on in the most awkward of places, teasing and release. He was traveling a lot, i traveled some, so we had time to chat online during evening hours. But i had a huge problem... i was supposed to live across country, and had no plausible excuse not to give my cell number... i needed a phone fast. So after some research, i picked up a tracfone, and at the time the store asked for my zip. i rattled off 90217 (yes, I changed the last number of the only CA zip I could remember), paid and left. After a few hours i called tracfone with my activation, and asked them if they could tell me where this phone was purchased. My heart froze when they said "Target"... but then she went on... "in California, right"? WOW. I had my phone, and a whole new world just opened up.

So, are you seeing someone?

When we last left off, it's a few days in, and I ask about girlfriends or a wife, honestly feeling shitty for not asking sooner... he deflects the question back to me, and I tell him I have two men in my life. He tells me of a girlfriend, who is more of a FWB, and I ponder it. He doesn't wear a ring, has a job where he flirts with women constantly, and had lied in the circle before. I couldn't ask around, I was married, and this provided me with my excuse. I believed it because I wanted to... if he was in for the fantasy ride, I would make sure it was the best he ever had...

Catfish

WOW. I never thought I would come back here... its been over a year since my last update, I stopped, I felt at times it was making the issue harder to deal with, dwelling on it. And at the time, it was. But now, I've seen a movie called Catfish. Thank you Ariel, Yaniv and Henry, I think your movie was stunningly compassionate and moving.

First off, don't let ANYONE ruin it for you. Watch it with an open mind, its a roller coaster. If you want to discuss it, bring it here and I'll put a spoiler warning up, or email me... and for all of you that say "that couldn't happen" or "it has to be fake", go back to the beginning of this blog... I have done much with far less... and I'm not proud of it. My situation still lingers in limbo, but won't now...