a fine frenzy....

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

crying tonite...

i can't help it, i'm weepy... i told him off, but would take him back in a second if he apologized... i cry because i'm a fool.

and it continues...

got messages from him today... she's gone again for now... want more than anything to just talk to him... he's tearing me apart. i'm pathetic, when did i become this person? i would give him anything in my power, i already worship him. the pain, torment i feel is crappy, i can't seem to cut him off, and yet he just tortures me.

spent yesterday in a daze...

Had a "vacation" sunday... got out of bed, got high and did a little gardening. Had some lunch, smoked some more, changed into my bikini, made a rum runner and went out to the pool. Spent all day floating, drinking, playing, worshipping the sun... got really horny thinking about him, and so frustrated, wanting his body, to talk to him, see him, and he's with her...

husband joined me for hours, we floated, swam... got naughty... mind still on him...

and so it goes...

he texted, said his wife is in town, and he'll get back with me monday...

Still mellow....

and still horny... will have to do something about that... but first an icecream sandwich... naked...

Herb baked Puma...

getting completely baked... been working on it for about an hour now... using the water pipe... i'm really horny... remember the scene in Dracula, when Lucy is writhing around on the bed? that's how i feel right now... just thinking of him makes me squirm... i'm in my panties and tank on my bed as i write this... the only thing keeping me from writhing and touching myself is my laptop. That and Colin Hayes singing Overkill in the background...

Ghosts appear and fade away...

Realize.......

It's not always the same
no it's never the same

if you don't feel it too.

If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

i never learned nothing by playing it safe.....

but i haven't learning from burning my hand over and over either....

a new start, or at least a new fantasy...

now i'm thinking of C, look what i started... a fresh new fantasy... if i saw him today, i would lean into him, press my body into his, and ask him why he never just threw me down and took me. whisper in his ear how much i've always wanted him to fuck me until i scream...

The Force is strong with this One...

its driving me mad... why did he text? i was just getting there, day by day, i told him no more... and i think of how horny i am... is this why i revert to 17?? because of C, when i last had that power... ever used that power... the conquest, is that what this is? If i could find C, would he become a similar obsession? i don't think so... C is so strong and dominant, he might just find me (too quickly?)

the games that you played at 17 don't work anymore... isn't that what i'm trying to (dis)prove?

metal vs. water pipe

the small metal pipe gives a more grounded, earthy high... makes me very horny...

the new water pipe is nothing more than what looks like a converted insulin bottle. the bowl sits on a rubber stopper, and there is also a rubber hose. coming out of the bowl into the bottle is a metal pipe not quite the length of the bottle. put a few drops of water in it and you get a water pipe effect. but be careful, hits can be really potent.

words

ever wonder why the phrase "a whole nother" is accepted? The dumbing down of america... (thank you GWB)....

No sign of life....

Nothing from him since last weekend when he moved... i told him no more, his contact was toxic... i didn't want to mean it, but i did, i know how destructive this is... i said for respect to his life, and my health, it stops. no response, nothing new... communication is all one way lately... when he wants something, he's there. if i want or need anything, nothing.

and bam! just like that, a message. early morning hours, out drinking...? possibly... maybe alone for the first time in the week... or simply just horny... i get it a day later, at work, and a jolt goes through me. first time high since, alot going on, had huge distractions to keep me occupied.

Is he there yet?

in his new city? has he thought about me? how many times if at all? and is she there with him yet?

half baked

Smoked a bowl... thinking of smoking another one, getting really baked.

i think i should get ripped, completely high, unencumbered. Loaded up the bowl again and i'm going for round two...

smoked some pot earlier, but it just got rid of my migraine, no mild feat at all, but still no horny moments or pithy thoughts. Anyone else get muscle twitches when smoking?

he's moving, and i've spent the last three weeks trying to understand that. he's going to disappear, start over with his wife, new life, pretend he never cheated... that they didn't separate. and through it all, i waited... i watched him cheat and be cast out. i hoped for my time, i hoped for him.

3rd hit, bowl 2

he's so scared he'll cheat on her again that he has to change his entire life... if he stays in contact with me, it will happen again, if not with me, then someone to occupy his time until he can have me as i drive him nuts.

but he had the chance... once in atl, but he didn't call until midnite... and again recently, where we spent three days in the same city and he was too cool, proud, scared, whatever to call... texting instead, driving me mad with texts... a week before my wedding.

but that wasn't me, was it? it was the alter.... the one that comes out when i'm high... the one that can think of nothing but his beautiful body, running my toungue over those abs... feeling his cock inside me... i want him to take me doggy and get his fingers stuck my in hair, pulling it like a mane... driving me mad...

when she's out....

i can think of nothing but him... his arms, his body, how much i want to feel him pressed against my naked body. i want to feel his tongue all over my body, making me writhe. i want to text him now, tell him how desperate for his body and touch i am, how much i crave him. i want to call him, doesn't matter the time, where he is or who he is with... but he's with his beautiful wife.

am i wanting audience to condone my thoughts and actions so i can continue? Am i looking for condemnation to help me do what i have to, and never, ever have contact with him again? and if there is no audience? what then, do i lose my faith in people?

life simply cannot be this difficult. how can such happiness, orgasmic bliss, be so wrong? live in the moment... the moment i come from his touch, or just thinking it.

personalities......

I feel like when I smoke, I let her out. Another part of me... the one I've hidden so well its as if I have another personality... is that what they mean by MPD? Is it the trauma and fear that made me hide her so long, when i finally let her out, she's overwhelmed, and prone to make mistakes others would consider "crazy" or a nervous breakdown, or a pre?-mid-life crisis? If I nurture her under another name, how long before she becomes a "persona"? Now a third, no letting go of the second... the third is still a sketch, seems to be the protector of the one who came out strong but crumbled and got weak in the knees over him.

Am I exercising something here? Flexing a muscle I didn't know I had? Discovering myself?
Or exorcising?

Everyone has some piece of the puzzle, no one holds all the pieces. There are pieces my husband holds, which make a significant number, but he misses key pieces. I spread those amongst my friends, each getting one, so no one knows the real me. Sometimes to keep people from knowing the real me, I have to fuzzy the pieces.

Daydream....

I'm thinking about him... this knot in my back is killing me, and I want him to work it out for me, his hands massaging me. Its been a rough day and I need a distraction, I would do anything to talk to him again...

New pipe

Got a new mini water pipe... tried it out tonite and it provides a mellow buzz... usually use a small metal pipe with no carburation or water for an intense high, the type that makes me restless, playful and very horny. This new pipe is a more relaxed buzz, and a smoother smoke.