quiet nite

husband asleep... i surf the internet to keep the 'him' off my mind... i want to pull up the old email and read them again... i want to hear his voice, talk to him. i'm a little buzzed, but not enough... sadly not horny... thinking of looking for some porn, but i'll either end up fantasizing about him or some dirty little secret fantasy i have, both will leave me guilty... a feeling i have no room for.

crying isn't secret, its the art of how we grieve...

day two almost over, no contact from him... thought about him today, and how unfair life is... thinking those that deserve it never seem to reap what they sow... then immediately flicked over to thoughts of the family that lost their daughter, the father's "sins", and i felt horrible and ashamed for even the thought.

how do we come upon even the idea of fair? nothing in life is fair, who ordained teaching children the concept of fair? "not fair" is what a 5 year old says to a classmate or brother, it has no place in the real world. life is cruel, and you only get what you want by taking it. and wanting it.

Time for a little relaxation...

couple of tokes on the pipe to relax me this evening...

Into the evening

Raced home to spend a few hours in lounging the pool... decided that the saying "life is what you make of it" is often incorrect.. its what life makes of you. How many of us can say they chose their path deliberately? When I was young, I thought I would have a couple of kids, dogs, a husband with a great job, and I would work if I wanted to. It wasn't my dream, just something I thought I should have. If I look back on dreams, I would have to say the only recurring one I've ever had was to live on a coast and work in marine biology. But while I never lost the dream, I got lost... an abusive mother with diagnosed mental disorders led to serious rebellion and attitude problems, and by the time I was 16 I was sneaking out of my house, getting drunk and smoking weed. Despite graduating high school with honors, I simply fell of the grid, wanting something other than school. By 19 I had at least professionally gotten it together and worked my ass off to get a job I was good at, but my relationship life was a disaster. There were moments in life where I made an active choice, like jumping off the cocaine train, stopping drugs, leaving my ex... but for the majority of my life, I've ridden along on the ride, not steering.....

Day drags on

busy today, storms affected most of our clients over the weekend so our phones are ringing off the hook. just had 10 minutes to choke down some lunch. check my email and msgs, nothing from him, didn't expect anything but had to be sure.....can't wait until this day is over and i can go swimming, float around a little and think of nothing.

Monday morning blues

i'm not a morning person as my name suggests... i love daytime and sun, just not mornings... but i'm up and at work, phones ringing off the hook, emergencies everywhere. what gets me through this week is the 3 day weekend at the end of it... and taking each moment as it comes... deep breathing, keeping busy helps to keep him off my mind... the gorgeous one that is everything i think i want, need..... day one without contact is over, day two of recovery begins.

Craving

its 11:15 pm and i've smoked a little more... lying in bed alone while he watches tv. i stay busy try not to think of him... following the same pattern he broke into a few months back, when he started a new website and formed a sports team... how much to keep the distractions at bay? this is the first nite of the rest of my life... without any contact from him... wonder how much bourbon, pot and self pleasure it will take to keep my sanity.

and solitude ends....

and my husband awakes from his nap, one i let run too long... on purpose, but not sure why... he was tired, needed the sleep, and maybe because i wanted some time to think... this man that adores me... i love him, but i'm tired... i mentally escape from the reality of it... so i let him sleep... and i think of another life...

"Sure got alot of baggage" -- Harold

smoke a little more, stretch out like a cat on the couch and watch h&k as they finally find white castle and neil patrick harris... can anyone out there actually eat 30 sliders?

Did Doogie Howser just steal my car?

brownies are ready, still a little warm, but milk and a spoon and i'm good to go... chocolate fix, almost as good as what i'm trying to keep my mind off of... the gorgeous man that occupies
most of my conscious mind, but never my bed...

Diary of a Sunday

i smoked some great ganja and i'm watching harold and kumar... i forgot how funny this movie was. the first time i saw this, i wasn't smoking and was sober, and i loved it... i've taken it up again, a couple of hits a few nights a week. got baked and went outside and swam while my husband napped... came inside with a craving for chocolate so baked some brownies... i ate so much of the batter i'm suprised there was enough left. how fitting H&K is on, its how i feel.

i'm so horny right now, i'm thinking about him, and how i have to give him up.