it started with a basketball game, my husband falling asleep in front of the tv airing said game, and a glass of wine. somewhere in there was some pent up anger, smoldering ember of rage and pity for myself, my life not being all i wanted it to... i saw what i wanted more than anything, and reached out to grab it. but i was too insecure and scared to do it as myself, he would never want a girl like me... he was perfect, a god... i'm an insecure klutz... a 30something woman with a sex drive kicking in for the first time, wracked with such guilt about it that the only time i let it shine was when i had a few drinks or got high...

my husband in front of the tv, me on a second glass of wine, and a fantasy set in... if i had a nite with him... and i fired off the first email. it was flirty, fun, very solicitious. after the email, i left my husband sleeping in the den, grabbed my vibrator, and enjoyed the evening dreaming of how i would ride him.

and it didn't take long before the seasons changed and our lives took us in different directions. our social lives veered apart, and i no longer had access to his joy, charisma, beauty, musk... but he ignited a sexual revolution within me, just being around this man had awakened this desire the magnitude i didn't know i was capable of. i was crazy horny and could think of nothing other than him...

so i did what any insane married woman would do... after many months of longing, i emailed him. of course i made up a name, a life for the beautiful girl i would become... she was from another state and was familiar with his work. he of course didn't know her, but as predicted, he was flattered enough by my very honest descriptions of what i wanted to do with him to be curious...

our story returns after a brief interlude...

ad man was gorgeous... he was a delicious creature, his body perfection, with the face of a chiseled greek god. he was funny, uncommonly charming, perfection in every way. he was successful and driven, and he was the only thing on my radar. he captivated my attention, and i wanted him in every way.

commercial break...

wow i am so mellow right now... i am a completely horny puma too! is there a real man out there, one that enjoys pulling my hair and tossing me around?

the hunt...

so the ad man was in and out of our lives briefly, and i had a few opportunities to observe him... i saw the wolf in those otherwise innocent eyes when they wandered a room of lovelies... it was so primal, like he would eat them whole... this was it, this animal lust that opened my eyes wide and made me want to lick his entire body... so i continued to observe...

more Beauty

getting back to my story, the 19 year old beauty became more a part of the family and spent a lot of time with us. she seemed to test the waters now and then with my husband, but i was never sure if she was testing him in that dysfunctional "girl keeps trying to recreate patterns in which she was a victim and all men are scum" way, or if she was testing me to see how i would react. and if my reaction was in question, what would i do? what should i do? i hadn't thought it out... you see, i was working out years of frustration and anger in my own self-centered and destructive manner. it was during this time i contacted ad man...

craiglist

recently posted an ad on craigslist... casual hookup, NSA... it was specific in tone and fantasy, I know what I like and need... and the 20 responses weren't even close.

it was mostly an experiment, but the ad is real... if someone came close to what i'm looking for fantasywise i would be in heaven....

We interrupt this program...

changing subjects briefly to talk about this amazing hash... its got me very relaxed, starting to feel aroused and playful...

i felt alive again, as if i was having an affair. it was funny, we touched maybe three times total... but every nerve ending in my body was awake, craving this delicious man's attention... and soon i would receive it in the oddest way...

a day i'll never forget

so it was one beautiful summer day that ad man stepped into our lives. it was quite by accident, a chance meeting at a bar... hubby and i were out together, and when ad man entered the room my eyes locked on him. there was something there, his confidence, an animal attraction, something that made me very curious. after introductions and small talk, the men talked sports and work. he floated in and out of our lives over the next few months, opportunities here and there. more often he was a fixture in my mind, my fantasies... he solely reignited a sex drive that had been in a coma for years, lit such a fire in me i began to think i was losing my mind. i never met him without my husband, had no such reason to be alone... at some point in one of our meetings there was mention of his wife, an offhanded comment... odd that we never met her, and i wondered if there was a wife, or if this was a marketing technique... maybe she was a made up creature to make us feel as if he had more in common with us.

Last but not least...

there is myself and my husband... we are mid 30's, without children and probably too much time on our hands... like ad man, we are fairly successful and self-involved... we also have a dysfunctional relationship.

the sexy entrepreneur

another member of our cast is a highly successful marketing/ad man. he is as gorgeous as he is charming, and his voice could make a woman melt. he belonged to a couple of sports teams, and coaching others, working out most days of the week. in a pair of khaki shorts and a summer shirt, he looked amazing, and it was clear to me through his easy confidence that he was very well endowed.

the exotic beauty

a few years ago my husband and i had broadened our social circle somewhat, and a few new people crossed our paths, forever changing the course of our lives. the first was a young woman, 18 years of age... she was lovely and had a beautiful body, a petite dark haired beauty. she was a hot teen with an amazing body, but she was broken, having been abused, and i saw someone i thought i could help. being neighbors, we hired her for odd jobs and spent the occasional neighborhood party with their family. she had a "daddy" crush on my husband, and he was ok with it, so it didn't bother me. I liked the girl.

Start at the beginning

now that its over, i think i will reflect on the past few years and tell it slowly. honestly, without revealing identities, but still brutally honest where neccessary. maybe i can learn from it... maybe everyone will judge me.. but i want to tell it. I'll start with the cast of characters...

Fini

today was the day... i copied over all the numbers from the phone that i needed, leaving his... then took out the SIM card and burned it, threw it into a fire. all the messages that meant so much, the numbers... gone. he doesn't control me anymore, my emotions will not control me any longer.

another nite of hell

another 24+ hour day, another grisly headache. Doubleshift, come home with the twinges of a headache... after an hour of sleep, I'm up again. Full blown head baby kicking. 1400 mg of Ibuprofen, 900 mg of aspirin... valium... caffeine... sugar... real food... stretching, deep breathing... 3 hot showers, now an icepack...

Woke up this morning with the same soul crushing headache i went to bed with... its been over two days solid, and longer than that with it receding for a few hours just to resurface. i'm sure there is great truth to the argument that i would be a completely different kind of person without the pain. right now, all i'm thinking about it stretching and contorting my body until my back hurts just to relieve my head. sometimes i understand why kurt cobain shot himself, if his headaches were like this.

go to bed early? headache. go to bed late? headache. drink lots of coke and caffeine laden drinks? headache. juices and water... you guessed it. soft bed, hard bed, sleep on the couch, mask, no mask, noise or silence, nothing makes a difference. i'm sure of one thing, and that's stress. and the stress makes my grind my teeth, which make my already painful throbbing an ubearable nightmare.

occasionally i'll find the right combination of pills, but its never the same. could be 3 ibuprofen and 2 aspirin, sometimes advil cold and sinus... sometimes 2 allieve will wash away the pain for a while, sometimes even rx painkiller cocktails don't make a dent. ice will sometimes help if i put it directly on my skin and numb it really well.

today is the first day of my cycle... woke up with a headache and didn't realize that fact... took a few bong hits to try and relieve the pressure, and laid back down in the bed. shortly after getting high, paranoia attacked. i was down on myself, miserable, felt like i was going crazy... went to take a shower and that's when i knew. note to self, never smoke the first day of your period.

Goodnite...

going to smoke a joint, then lay back as my husband who is back in town ravages me...

QOTSA

It's so safe to play along
Little soldiers in a row
Falling in and out of love
Something sweet to throw away.
I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.
I want a new mistake,
loses more than hesitates.
Do you believe it in your head?

Been a few hours since my last couple of hits...

going to go big tonite, have to work tomorrow. several more hits from the pipe, sticky sweet skunk bud. i'm striving for an epic high tonite, i want to be baked, hips grinding, so horny it would take 3 men and all nite to satisfy me... in the meantime i'm organzing my music for my iphone...

Olympics...

couple of tokes to reflect on the past few days... sweet high, a nice tingling across my body, nerves standing on end as if someone has brushed their fingers lightly down my spine... getting aroused...

i watched the Olympics and thought about him... he had those dreams for years, fell short just a touch... and i watch Michael Phelps, another work of art, similiar body type... gold medal after gold medal... during other events i think i see his old coach... is that possible? then phelps again, his lovely, delicious body... and my athlete, thoughts shift back to him, his still incredibly defined body... where he is right now as i sit across from my husband and type this, smiling sweetly, thinking of of someone else's cock running across my lips. please relieve me of this torture....

This Blog is a distraction

Something to keep me from texting, emailing, calling him....

Why must he be a work of art?

i'm thinking of his body... arms are well defined... his abs lovely, entire body tan and taut... this is the body of an athlete, his strong legs carrying through many soccer games...

QOTSA

"...’i’ll throw myself away,
They’re just photos after all"
I can’t make you hang around.
I can’t wash you off my skin.
Outside the frame, is what were leaving out
You wont remember anyway

wow i've got the munchies now... whats your best munchie food??

if i were THERE...

push him down naked, grabbing, kissing, tongue running over his entire body... writhing against him...

i haven't come since a week ago... wound up tight.

flicking the bean...

all day i've stolen moments to think of him, with j and f... the blow job, the girls kissing, how he almost popped twice watching.

touch me babe...

i want to lay down naked and have his hands all over me... i smoked to distract away from thoughts of him... now i can almost feel him on me... the skunk made me horny, skin tingling...

i'm so toasted that i've spent 30 minutes trying to find or make a "gadget" in blogger to share this video... instead of linking it here... man walks into casino attending to bet with marijuana.

eureka i've found it!

pinky and the brain is on!!!!

a trip of its own.....

reloading the pipe... turning on tv, been changing channels looking for something to distract me... i think i've found it, i'm so high right now its "its own" distraction... trying to find a comedy, can't figure out how to work this remote...

all it takes is one...

first toke, i'm already loosening up. not even five and i wonder onto google and start googling train wreck and vaporizers. i realize i lost my hash somewhere in the house, almost search then realize i need another hit...

Time to chill...

Been a week of ups and downs for NyteLady, ChronicLady, Baby... more lows than highs, but its Saturday, and I'm ready to unwind and unload. just loaded up my pipe with some of the yummiest sweet skunk and had my first hit in a week.

Self love...

i haven't touched myself in almost two weeks... since i last heard from him. i didn't stop on purpose, i didn't even realize it was a problem until tonite... with my last post, my emotions washed over me, waves of grief, almost leaving me sobbing... and that's when i realized it. he had reminded me how sexy i am, had me constantly dripping, often throbbing, anxious for touch. his voice would wash over me and make me quiver, make my nipples hard... i've lost him, and my desire, my sex drive...

Drudgery

another day, just like the last... i get up, go to work, maybe take a lunch but if i do its idle time... so usually i work through it... come home, eat dinner with my loving husband and continue to work until i drop... sometimes 3 am.... then i start again, 7 am. 3 times this week alone i've gone out for "4thmeal"... not eating breakfast, then eating my last meal at 2:00 am... barely napping, then out of bed early morning and back to work. i haven't smoked a bowl since last weekend, because when i do, i slow down and think... and i think of him... i can't do that, i have to stay busy or i'll die, i'll sleep until i won't wake any longer... why don't i hate him?

blissful torture

have you see the new Becks ad? The one with the bulge and black briefs where he's leaning over water, wow... so i started searching for Beckham links, and i review photos from the past several years. its amazing how much He looks like him... same athletic body, same package... this is the very reason i can't get him out of my head... i want to lick him from head to toe, run my tongue over every inch of his body.

a fine frenzy....

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

crying tonite...

i can't help it, i'm weepy... i told him off, but would take him back in a second if he apologized... i cry because i'm a fool.

and it continues...

got messages from him today... she's gone again for now... want more than anything to just talk to him... he's tearing me apart. i'm pathetic, when did i become this person? i would give him anything in my power, i already worship him. the pain, torment i feel is crappy, i can't seem to cut him off, and yet he just tortures me.

spent yesterday in a daze...

Had a "vacation" sunday... got out of bed, got high and did a little gardening. Had some lunch, smoked some more, changed into my bikini, made a rum runner and went out to the pool. Spent all day floating, drinking, playing, worshipping the sun... got really horny thinking about him, and so frustrated, wanting his body, to talk to him, see him, and he's with her...

husband joined me for hours, we floated, swam... got naughty... mind still on him...

and so it goes...

he texted, said his wife is in town, and he'll get back with me monday...

Still mellow....

and still horny... will have to do something about that... but first an icecream sandwich... naked...

Herb baked Puma...

getting completely baked... been working on it for about an hour now... using the water pipe... i'm really horny... remember the scene in Dracula, when Lucy is writhing around on the bed? that's how i feel right now... just thinking of him makes me squirm... i'm in my panties and tank on my bed as i write this... the only thing keeping me from writhing and touching myself is my laptop. That and Colin Hayes singing Overkill in the background...

Ghosts appear and fade away...

Realize.......

It's not always the same
no it's never the same

if you don't feel it too.

If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

i never learned nothing by playing it safe.....

but i haven't learning from burning my hand over and over either....

a new start, or at least a new fantasy...

now i'm thinking of C, look what i started... a fresh new fantasy... if i saw him today, i would lean into him, press my body into his, and ask him why he never just threw me down and took me. whisper in his ear how much i've always wanted him to fuck me until i scream...

The Force is strong with this One...

its driving me mad... why did he text? i was just getting there, day by day, i told him no more... and i think of how horny i am... is this why i revert to 17?? because of C, when i last had that power... ever used that power... the conquest, is that what this is? If i could find C, would he become a similar obsession? i don't think so... C is so strong and dominant, he might just find me (too quickly?)

the games that you played at 17 don't work anymore... isn't that what i'm trying to (dis)prove?

metal vs. water pipe

the small metal pipe gives a more grounded, earthy high... makes me very horny...

the new water pipe is nothing more than what looks like a converted insulin bottle. the bowl sits on a rubber stopper, and there is also a rubber hose. coming out of the bowl into the bottle is a metal pipe not quite the length of the bottle. put a few drops of water in it and you get a water pipe effect. but be careful, hits can be really potent.

words

ever wonder why the phrase "a whole nother" is accepted? The dumbing down of america... (thank you GWB)....

No sign of life....

Nothing from him since last weekend when he moved... i told him no more, his contact was toxic... i didn't want to mean it, but i did, i know how destructive this is... i said for respect to his life, and my health, it stops. no response, nothing new... communication is all one way lately... when he wants something, he's there. if i want or need anything, nothing.

and bam! just like that, a message. early morning hours, out drinking...? possibly... maybe alone for the first time in the week... or simply just horny... i get it a day later, at work, and a jolt goes through me. first time high since, alot going on, had huge distractions to keep me occupied.

Is he there yet?

in his new city? has he thought about me? how many times if at all? and is she there with him yet?

half baked

Smoked a bowl... thinking of smoking another one, getting really baked.

i think i should get ripped, completely high, unencumbered. Loaded up the bowl again and i'm going for round two...

smoked some pot earlier, but it just got rid of my migraine, no mild feat at all, but still no horny moments or pithy thoughts. Anyone else get muscle twitches when smoking?

he's moving, and i've spent the last three weeks trying to understand that. he's going to disappear, start over with his wife, new life, pretend he never cheated... that they didn't separate. and through it all, i waited... i watched him cheat and be cast out. i hoped for my time, i hoped for him.

3rd hit, bowl 2

he's so scared he'll cheat on her again that he has to change his entire life... if he stays in contact with me, it will happen again, if not with me, then someone to occupy his time until he can have me as i drive him nuts.

but he had the chance... once in atl, but he didn't call until midnite... and again recently, where we spent three days in the same city and he was too cool, proud, scared, whatever to call... texting instead, driving me mad with texts... a week before my wedding.

but that wasn't me, was it? it was the alter.... the one that comes out when i'm high... the one that can think of nothing but his beautiful body, running my toungue over those abs... feeling his cock inside me... i want him to take me doggy and get his fingers stuck my in hair, pulling it like a mane... driving me mad...

when she's out....

i can think of nothing but him... his arms, his body, how much i want to feel him pressed against my naked body. i want to feel his tongue all over my body, making me writhe. i want to text him now, tell him how desperate for his body and touch i am, how much i crave him. i want to call him, doesn't matter the time, where he is or who he is with... but he's with his beautiful wife.

am i wanting audience to condone my thoughts and actions so i can continue? Am i looking for condemnation to help me do what i have to, and never, ever have contact with him again? and if there is no audience? what then, do i lose my faith in people?

life simply cannot be this difficult. how can such happiness, orgasmic bliss, be so wrong? live in the moment... the moment i come from his touch, or just thinking it.

personalities......

I feel like when I smoke, I let her out. Another part of me... the one I've hidden so well its as if I have another personality... is that what they mean by MPD? Is it the trauma and fear that made me hide her so long, when i finally let her out, she's overwhelmed, and prone to make mistakes others would consider "crazy" or a nervous breakdown, or a pre?-mid-life crisis? If I nurture her under another name, how long before she becomes a "persona"? Now a third, no letting go of the second... the third is still a sketch, seems to be the protector of the one who came out strong but crumbled and got weak in the knees over him.

Am I exercising something here? Flexing a muscle I didn't know I had? Discovering myself?
Or exorcising?

Everyone has some piece of the puzzle, no one holds all the pieces. There are pieces my husband holds, which make a significant number, but he misses key pieces. I spread those amongst my friends, each getting one, so no one knows the real me. Sometimes to keep people from knowing the real me, I have to fuzzy the pieces.

Daydream....

I'm thinking about him... this knot in my back is killing me, and I want him to work it out for me, his hands massaging me. Its been a rough day and I need a distraction, I would do anything to talk to him again...

New pipe

Got a new mini water pipe... tried it out tonite and it provides a mellow buzz... usually use a small metal pipe with no carburation or water for an intense high, the type that makes me restless, playful and very horny. This new pipe is a more relaxed buzz, and a smoother smoke.

quiet nite

husband asleep... i surf the internet to keep the 'him' off my mind... i want to pull up the old email and read them again... i want to hear his voice, talk to him. i'm a little buzzed, but not enough... sadly not horny... thinking of looking for some porn, but i'll either end up fantasizing about him or some dirty little secret fantasy i have, both will leave me guilty... a feeling i have no room for.

crying isn't secret, its the art of how we grieve...

day two almost over, no contact from him... thought about him today, and how unfair life is... thinking those that deserve it never seem to reap what they sow... then immediately flicked over to thoughts of the family that lost their daughter, the father's "sins", and i felt horrible and ashamed for even the thought.

how do we come upon even the idea of fair? nothing in life is fair, who ordained teaching children the concept of fair? "not fair" is what a 5 year old says to a classmate or brother, it has no place in the real world. life is cruel, and you only get what you want by taking it. and wanting it.

Time for a little relaxation...

couple of tokes on the pipe to relax me this evening...

Into the evening

Raced home to spend a few hours in lounging the pool... decided that the saying "life is what you make of it" is often incorrect.. its what life makes of you. How many of us can say they chose their path deliberately? When I was young, I thought I would have a couple of kids, dogs, a husband with a great job, and I would work if I wanted to. It wasn't my dream, just something I thought I should have. If I look back on dreams, I would have to say the only recurring one I've ever had was to live on a coast and work in marine biology. But while I never lost the dream, I got lost... an abusive mother with diagnosed mental disorders led to serious rebellion and attitude problems, and by the time I was 16 I was sneaking out of my house, getting drunk and smoking weed. Despite graduating high school with honors, I simply fell of the grid, wanting something other than school. By 19 I had at least professionally gotten it together and worked my ass off to get a job I was good at, but my relationship life was a disaster. There were moments in life where I made an active choice, like jumping off the cocaine train, stopping drugs, leaving my ex... but for the majority of my life, I've ridden along on the ride, not steering.....

Day drags on

busy today, storms affected most of our clients over the weekend so our phones are ringing off the hook. just had 10 minutes to choke down some lunch. check my email and msgs, nothing from him, didn't expect anything but had to be sure.....can't wait until this day is over and i can go swimming, float around a little and think of nothing.

Monday morning blues

i'm not a morning person as my name suggests... i love daytime and sun, just not mornings... but i'm up and at work, phones ringing off the hook, emergencies everywhere. what gets me through this week is the 3 day weekend at the end of it... and taking each moment as it comes... deep breathing, keeping busy helps to keep him off my mind... the gorgeous one that is everything i think i want, need..... day one without contact is over, day two of recovery begins.

Craving

its 11:15 pm and i've smoked a little more... lying in bed alone while he watches tv. i stay busy try not to think of him... following the same pattern he broke into a few months back, when he started a new website and formed a sports team... how much to keep the distractions at bay? this is the first nite of the rest of my life... without any contact from him... wonder how much bourbon, pot and self pleasure it will take to keep my sanity.

and solitude ends....

and my husband awakes from his nap, one i let run too long... on purpose, but not sure why... he was tired, needed the sleep, and maybe because i wanted some time to think... this man that adores me... i love him, but i'm tired... i mentally escape from the reality of it... so i let him sleep... and i think of another life...

"Sure got alot of baggage" -- Harold

smoke a little more, stretch out like a cat on the couch and watch h&k as they finally find white castle and neil patrick harris... can anyone out there actually eat 30 sliders?

Did Doogie Howser just steal my car?

brownies are ready, still a little warm, but milk and a spoon and i'm good to go... chocolate fix, almost as good as what i'm trying to keep my mind off of... the gorgeous man that occupies
most of my conscious mind, but never my bed...

Diary of a Sunday

i smoked some great ganja and i'm watching harold and kumar... i forgot how funny this movie was. the first time i saw this, i wasn't smoking and was sober, and i loved it... i've taken it up again, a couple of hits a few nights a week. got baked and went outside and swam while my husband napped... came inside with a craving for chocolate so baked some brownies... i ate so much of the batter i'm suprised there was enough left. how fitting H&K is on, its how i feel.

i'm so horny right now, i'm thinking about him, and how i have to give him up.